nothing new

So, I have yet to figure out which football team I can be loyal to. Maybe i'll just say "fuck it" like I do everything else - and just keep doing what I've been doing. That might work.

Dance class has been awesome. We're learning new things every week. I skipped out on Step class last night because last week this girl walked in the class and announced to everyone "it smells like shit in here". I took that as a direct hit - and will be working out some other time than before class. Who knows if it was me, but I hate it when people do that.

I pretty much didn't pass my map test last night - because there's really no way to study every single country and its capital and location (by shape) within three weeks - when you've started with no real prior knowledge. I'm not saying i'm incompetent, just don't really pay attention to where kazikstan is in relationship to bolivia. Do you?

I move in a week - IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! Not only for the fact that roomie is about to drive me up the walls, but that I get to ditch this horrific drive I endure every single day, and I also can save lots of money on gas. :) that, in itself, will make me smile.

So, I'm having a bit of an issue. I never thought it would come to this - but it did, it has, and it will soon end. Someone who I thought was an okay friend of mine has decided to go completely psycho. Now, before you judge, just know this person is a girl - and girls do this from time to time. Completely psycho, like there's no tomorrow. Any and every low blow she could take, she's taken. I could do many things to combat her, yet it's not even worth the fight. This is nothing new though - I should have expected a fight out of her.

I've always been the same. Never changed. I've always had the same attitude towards people - very blunt and straight forward. I tell the truth even when I don't want to and I expect my friends to do the same. If not, then "fuck it". ;)

On a lighter note, I managed to buy the new John Mayer cd Continuum. It's actually quite good... and since they've cleared up their "mishap" and he's not really dating Jessica Simpson, so i'm a bit relieved. This new album is very solomn and mellow. The good ole John Mayer we used to know... back before Room for Squares.


That's right!

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

What a good movie it was. Erm. When I say "good movie," i'm referring to the characteristics of the movie (acting, directing, etc). Horrible Horrible principle of the matter. (kinda like MatchPoint) When I watched it some odd years ago with XM, it was okay, because he was into that sort of thing. He liked movies that had a deeper meaning, something he could overanalyze and relate to himself.

Never did I ever think that he would go this far.

He's taking a trip. A trip all the way across the US to Cali and Seattle and Colorodo, etc. for two whole weeks. By himself. To forget me. You read that right. To forget me.

My relationship with XM started way back in 10th grade for me. He was a cutie that worked at the same Mall I did just at a different store. We'd passed notes back and forth and found out that we really liked each other. We started going on dates (My memory recalls the Variety Show as our first - but he argues differently) and he soon became my boyfriend. He was mine for a whole summer - and then we just stopped talking. No reason. Neither of us tried to stop it. And neither of us questioned it. It just happened.

Flash forward 3 years and i'm in college - living in the apartments on campus downtown - and here comes XM walking across the grass "quad". We started talking - went on a few dates (good ole dinner and a movie - Apres Diem and Four Feathers - will never forget it). Thus began our lives as boyfriend and girlfriend. We went with family on vacations, to holidays, concerts, to everything you could imagine. Things happened. And things started not to work about a year and a half in. I wanted something more than he could give me - and he didn't see that (upon reflection he's figured that out now) and a whole bunch of other reasons for breaking it off.

I'll never forget that night... December... home by myself... sitting at my desk in my room, feet proped up... I called him and told him it was over. I know, I know, breaking up over the phone is not a respected thing to do - but it was the only way I could really do it and not be swayed by his hug or kiss to go back to what I knew I didn't want. I guess you could say "I" broke his heart... but we all know that you break up with someone for a reason.

We didn't talk for a solid month - all through Christmas even. I called him in January to see if he was okay - after hearing through a mutual friend that he wasn't doing so hot. We talked a little while - and from then on, i've considered him a good friend of mine. We'd had what we had, and it was over. It happened. It was good. It was in the past. Enough said.

Throughout the next few years, he was in and out of my life. Out more or less when I had a relationship, and around more often when I didn't. He always tried getting back "in" but it was something I didn't want anymore - nor could I handle. So, I let it be. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him. He's been nothing but a good friend to me.

So with my XM, comes this "deep"-ness... and this "I compare every other girl I see to you"-ness. And that sucks. It really does. Every little thing to him reminds him of me and he gets "reflective." I wish he could just get over it like I can. I guess it's just not that easy with some things. Now, he's trying to forget me. To erase every memory of me. To cut ties with me. To become just another person in this world. And if you've ever seen the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you'll know that it's never going to happen.

The more you try to push someone away, the worse it gets. And the more you want to remember that memory and hold on to it. It makes me quite sad that he's trying to do this, actually. XM is one of those characters who burned all of my stuff because he could bear to throw it away for fear that someone else might find his treasures. And he couldn't keep it, because it was crawling meticulously out of its box and through the closet doors haunting him. So, the only other resolution he could come to was fire. As for me, I still have his box. And it'll stay there. I'll pull it out ever so often and cherish the memories that were my past.

I guess that's just me. I can say "C'est La Vie" and "fuck it" and all will be well (well, once I can get to that point) but i'm sure everyone isn't the same as me.

So, until then. This blows. Hardcore.